lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
