Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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