Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
