i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize