I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
