Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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