I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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