Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Holy shit dude........stairs
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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