Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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