In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I fill condoms, not promises.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
