I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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