i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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