she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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