1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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