How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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