I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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