Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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