I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
