i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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