My hand turned me down
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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