fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's shark week go big or go home
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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