if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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