I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
