was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
