this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We just shotgunned beers for America
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
