guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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