Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
