so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
my liver is dry heaving
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
