a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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