i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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