I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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