i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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