I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We had to coat check the pizza.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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