So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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