Only a mothe r could love this liver
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
