I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
