the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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