BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she pinky promised me she was 18
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
