remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
