I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
