last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
