you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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