Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
