Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
