Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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