I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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