I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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