He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
