does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize