So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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