I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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