just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize