tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
did i just pee glitter
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
