i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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