checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
