I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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