I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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