I'm so fucking centered right now
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
