my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
