apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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