He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
