He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
