I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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