She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
