he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
