Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
