we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
