His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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