Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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