discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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