well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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