It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
