Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
