my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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